Making Lemonade

Fibromyalgia officially sucks. Ok, so I have made it plain in several posts that I’m not appreciative of it’s effects on me and how it messes with my life but I haven’t talked about the very valuable things I have gained from it. It has taught me gratitude. That may sound strange but when you can’t do things you learn to appreciate the times when you can do them. There is a bracha in the morning prayers which reads:

Baruch atah Adonai, Eloheinu melech ha-olam, ha-meichin mitzadei g’veret.
Source of Blessing are You, Adonai, our Source of Powers, Sovereign of the Universe, Who makes firm my steps.

When you spend a few weeks not knowing if your legs are going to hold you when you take the next step, and have no idea of what’s going on and no insurance for those expensive tests to find out, you become grateful for every step that you take without hitting the floor. When the strength in your legs returns to the point where you can count on it, as suddenly and mysteriously as it left, a wise person remembers not to take anything for granted.

Being 1 of the 3 people living in this house and the 3 of us equaling between .75 and 2 able bodied people on any given day, I am grateful for the ability to do simple things when I want or when I need to like making a meal, washing dishes, carrying 5 gallon buckets of water or soil across the yard to tend the gardens or livestock; there are days I can’t carry a gallon of water in each hand or reach above shoulder height without my arms feeling like they’re going to fall off - or rather that I’d like them to. I’d like to blog more often but too often my forearms and hands are screaming at me after too short a period of time working on the computer regardless of mice, keyboards, supports, gloves etc. The inconsistency of abilities and lack of control over the situation is enough to drive someone batty. ARRRGGHHH!!!

One of the things that drives me nuts about how American society views disability is that there is this expectation that one’s condition is a constant thing - in some cases it is but in other cases one can be debilitated one day and not be hardly able to get out of bed or lift anything or type for more than a few minutes and the next be able to garden all day or clean the whole house or type pages and pages of material or carve hard maple with no apparent change in conditions. Now of course, one forgets to take it easy and pace one’s self and overdoes it on the good days partially because you feel guilty for not being able to do stuff at other times (and society expects one to be able to get certain things done regardless) and end up paying for it. Baruch Hashem for affordable strong pain meds and a doctor who trusts your use of them but sometimes the meds just aren't enough and don't do anything to deal with fibro-fog or fatigue.

I can’t find it in myself to condemn people who get end up getting caught by the dragon, otherwise known as addicted to prescription pain meds, because I dance with that dragon. If it wasn’t for the fact that I don’t enjoy being high, except on a rare occasion, and develop a tolerance to pain meds very easily and value having something to kick the pain in the butt when I really need it to, it would be too easy for me to join those ranks. I am grateful for the God/dess given willpower and insight which allows me to dance with the dragon but mange to stay just out of reach of it’s talons.

I have also come to acknowledge and value the strength the Holy One has given me to deal with things and the fact that my symptoms from the fibro, the seizure disorder, or the depression, are not as bad as they could be. That’s not to mention being consistently reminded of those who are there when I just can’t do something or it gets to be too much or I need an understanding ear or a good swift kick to the rear. There’s also the fact that I live in a country and time where I actually have access to care and meds that make life easier, not that life couldn’t be a whole lot better but I’m grateful it isn’t worse than it is.

Neat Music

Last week I mounted an archeological expedition - ok, I cleaned up my studio but it might as well have been the excavation of ancient artifacts for all that I remembered what had gotten stuck where. One of the things I found was the mp3 player my husband had given me aeons ago and so I spent last week searching the nooks and crannies of the internet for music to mellow out to and trying to program the darn thing. There are days technology and I aren't copescetic. I did discover that there is some really neat religious/spiritual filk out there and wanted to do my part to throw a light on it. If you're looking for filk, the virtual filksing at Prometheus Music is a great place to start for samples and sales.

One of my favorite filk writers is Ben Newman. Among the many things he writes are some neat Jewish and Pagan oriented songs; my favorites being:
Experiment 45 - a twist in perspective on Adam and Chava (Eve) getting booted out of Eden
Love Letter - re: the Covenant at Sinai
The Wrestler - Yaccov's (Jacob's) perspective on his injury from fighting with the angel
The Holy Mountain - anywhere can be sacred
Shechinah - Shechinah as the Sabbath bride (this one's supplanted Lecha Dodi in my Shabbos evening ritual)
Circle Story - it's long but is a really neat ballad of the pagan cycle of holidays

Leslie Fish is a woman of spirit and attitude who has written at least 2 spiritual songs I really like:
Avalon is Risen - the re-emergence of paganism
Earth's Fire Breathing Daughter - how a priestess deals with annoying, hypocritical neighbors

Kathy Mar sings The Word of God written by Catherine Faber about the value of science as one of the avenues to understanding God, perhaps a more valid one than the Bible.

Judging from the music of hers that I've come across, Julia Ecklar is a deeply spiritual person; my favorites of her spiritual songs are:
The Hand of God - trusting in yourself vs remaining bound by convention
Lullaby for a Weary World - caring for the earth
Holy, Holy - the holy, holy from a mass she was going to write with a sci-fi/filk theme

Various performers have recorded Catherine Madsen's The Heretic Heart which is about having faith in yourself to find your own spirituality and the courage to live it.

The pagan version of Lord of the Dance - not the celtic, Christian one but the one found here is one of my favorites as well. Unfortunately, I haven't found it as mp3 and I haven't been able to figure out how to take songs ripped from CDs and put them on the mp3 player. yet.

The Value of an Oppositional Viewpoint

In the comments on Purim you will find a back and forth between me and Anonymous over Judaism and his/her claim that the incorporation of pagan elements is antithetical to Judaism. As much as I did not appreciate the apparent single mindedness of this individual and their condescension, I did enjoy the fencing. Ironically, I think the exchange had absolutely the opposite effect that this person desired and rather than making me feel guilty for my point of view it helped me clarify where I stood on some issues which is not to say that if they had actually addressed the issues I raised that they would not have been able to change my mind. I have to thank Myfanwy again for her support - it is interesting how 2 people, 1 in favor of my explorations and 1 against, can both help me find my way.

The exchange also made me a little sad at how this person, someone apparently strong in their convictions, could only advise me to go talk to my rabbi. Maybe I'm just more willing than some people to give someone the benefit of my thoughts and rightly or wrongly believe that they have some merit but I at least feel a responsibility to assist others on their spiritual journeys and am unwilling to pass the buck to a clergy type personage. Whether somebody has been ordained or not doesn't necessarily have anything to do with their effectiveness or suitability as a spiritual guide.

Frankly, with few exceptions, as long as it is a belief system that does not seek to harm others, I will support anybody's spirituality. It means more to me that someone actually takes stock of themselves and develops a relationship with the Divine and hopefully takes positive action stemming from that relationship than what creed or rituals they subscribe to. This is why I feel equally comfortable creating Pagan altar cloths and Book of Shadows, Jewish tallitot and kippot and lace Christmas ornaments and crosses. If I saw a place where I could be of service creating things of beauty that would aid in a Muslim's relationship with Allah and the true expression thereof I wouldn't have a problem doing so.

Being a spiritual person is difficult enough in this day and age and I feel that we all have a responsibility to help each other out even if that means serving as a foil for someone else's beliefs. I guess it also goes along with the fact that I believe in an essentially understanding and merciful Diety who would rather that we use the brains and spirit S/He gave us than do/believe something just because some other human being told us to. I cannot put it better than was put in Kingdom of Heaven ". . . But remember that, even when those who move you be kings or men of power, your soul is in your keeping alone. When you stand before God you cannot say "but I was told by others to do thus" or that "virtue was not convinient at the time." This will not suffice. Remember that."

As you have figured out by now, I'm pretty ecumenical; one of the few things I cannot stand is evangelism and the attitude that "there is only one true way and I have it" with the corrollary that they will 'help' you to salvation; respectful presentation of a differing point of view is something else entirely. One of the jokes in my family is that when my mother said "let me *help* you" you ran the other way. I love Mom dearly but she was and is a strong willed person and sometimes, as with just about anybody, she felt she knew what was needed and by God, it was going to happen. :) Thankfully she's mellowed a bit. Perhaps I am more able to puzzle my way through spiritual matters and have more confidence in my relationship with the Almighty than most people and therefore am willing to take risks with my soul by making up my own mind that most people wouldn't but I don't want to believe that this is the case. It disturbs me though how many people don't want to be exposed to ideas outside their comfort zone. How can one make a decision without being presented with various facets of the issue? Then again, perhaps me being a Gemini has something to do with my comfortability with various viewpoints.